


Love, Life, and the List: TLC Version

by Bibliophile_13



Series: Love, Life, and the List [1]
Category: Lunar Chronicles - Marissa Meyer, The List- Siobhan Vivian
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 01:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14414337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bibliophile_13/pseuds/Bibliophile_13
Summary: A combination of Siobhan Vivian's The List and Marissa Meyer's The Lunar Chronicles.The characters of the Lunar Chronicles are completely normal, going to a high school like everyone else. But every year, a list is posted around the school of one male and one female from each grade who isa) prettiestb) ugliest.The list decides who is cool and who isn't, and shapes the whole high school year. For some, in a good way. For others, not so much.NOTE: This book contains a lot, and I mean a lot, of lists. These are not meant to bea) multiple choice questionsb) unrealistic,but rather what the character is thinking/doing/does, only in list form.





	1. Chapter 1- Cinder

I walk through the halls, guaranteed to ignore the List until I absolutely need to see it. The List is our high school’s way of telling who’s prettiest, ugliest, and handsomest in all the grades. I, with my stringy-ish shoulder length brown hair, tanned but not enough to be pretty skin, plain brown eyes, and, most noticeably, a cyborg hand and leg, am always ugliest girl. Last year it was ugliest Freshman, now ugliest Sophomore, I’m sure.  
Unfortunately, Thorne has decided that I need to see it now. Now. We might be best friends, but he can be so annoying sometimes.  
“Cinder!” he calls out, running across the hall to my locker. His is on one side of the Chem 1 door, mine on the other.  
“Yeah, Thorne?” I ask, slamming my locker door shut after I grab my colour-coded blue Bio 2 (I have bio first thing in the morning. Yay for me!) folder, binder and notebook, as well as the textbook required.  
“Look!” he says, waving the paper in front of my face. “I made the List! The most handsome male senior!”  
“Great job,” I say, no excitement in my voice. I obviously don’t mean it.   
Thorne’s mega-grin vanishes. “Come on, Cinder. At least try to be happy for me.”  
“I am happy for you,” I insist. “Just annoyed that I made ugliest girl once again,” I say, pointing to the list. Sure enough, my name is there, in bold print, labeled as “Ugliest Sophomore”. As usual.  
Thorne winces. “Right. Sorry, Cinder.”  
“It’s fine,” I say, shrugging, as I start walking towards Bio 2. I know Thorne has Pre-Calc, but he’s always late anyways. Might as well let him tag along with me. “I just wish that I weren’t ugliest every single year. I mean, I might not be the prettiest girl ever, but does that mean I have to be ugliest? I would honestly just rather not be on the list at all.”  
“Really? I wouldn’t.”  
“Well, you get the good end of the deal, getting handsomest, so there isn’t really anywhere for you to judge.”  
“Someone’ll take my place soon, though. Probably Kai,” he says, referring to a handsome boy who, after I check the list very, very subtly, I notice has gotten “handsomest” for the third year in a row. “you know, seeing as I’m leaving for college after this.”  
“University,” I correct. “You’ve decided to go to University.”  
“Same difference,” he says, waving a hand in the air.  
“Anyways, here’s the list,” he says, handing it to me. The handwriting, as usual, is faked and written in pen. I run my eyes over it, even though I really do have almost no interest.  
Freshman Girls:  
Prettiest: Peony Linh- she’s both pretty on the inside and the outside  
Ugliest: Pearl Linh- her sister beats her in looks by a mile and a million  
Freshman Boys:  
Handsomest: Liam Kinney- cold, unfeeling, and… unbelievably handsome  
Ugliest: Aimery Park- even more cold and unfeeling, and no looks to show for it  
Sophomore Girls:  
Prettiest: Crescent Moon Darnel- petite, yet pretty all the same. The small thing works with her  
Ugliest: Cinder Blackburn- what is with those metal limbs? I want to rip them off half the time  
Sophomore Boys:  
Handsomest: Rikan (UNKNOWN LAST NAME)- his older brother’s more handsome, but still  
Ugliest: Torin Konn- even his name’s terrible  
Junior Girls:  
Prettiest: Winter Hayle-Blackburn- this girl is the definition of grace and beauty, even with her scars  
Ugliest: Levana Blackburn- no amount of makeup can cover up that, sweetheart  
Junior Boys:  
Handsomest: Kai (UNKNOWN LAST NAME)- so. Cute  
Ugliest: Dmitri Erland- smart, but so, so ugly  
Senior Girls:  
Prettiest: Emilie Montfort- long golden locks, huge brown eyes, beautiful skin… she’s got it all  
Ugliest: Scarlet Benoit- freckles? No. Red hair? No. Everything is just wrong  
Senior Boys:  
Handsomest: Carswell Thorne- not a surprise, but he’s just so charming, too  
Ugliest: Jacin Clay- long blonde hair? On a boy? Please, just go away

Well, none of that’s really a surprise. My reactions:  
_Peony? Seriously? Good for her! She’s a pretty great step-sister to have.  
OH YES IN YOUR FACE PEARL!  
Who is that?  
Oh, him. Yeah, he deserves it.  
Nice for Cress! She’s really nice. A bit quiet, but nice. I doubt she’ll like all the attention, though…  
Yippee, it’s me again. How surprising.  
Rikan? You serious? Kai’s little brother? Huh.  
Come on, Torin’s not that bad… though I will admit, his name is a real piece of bad luck. Honestly.  
Wait, her last name is Hayle-Blackburn? I wonder if we’re distantly related… oooh, is she one of those cousins that someone needs to tell me about?  
Levana also deserves it. I can’t believe that we share blood.  
I have absolutely, definitely, no feelings for this person at all.  
Aw, poor Dmitri. He’s really nice once you get to know him.  
Emilie Montfort… uh… I think I know her? Isn’t she the one I was paired with for that Chem project a while ago?  
Didn’t Thorne go out with her his Sophomore year?  
Charming. Really. Well, whoever-it-is-that-writes-the-List, I have hung out with Thorne every day since I got in juvie when I was eleven, and he has never charmed me. Ever. Are we even talking about the same Carswell Thorne?  
Jacin isn’t that bad. Sure, he’s really annoying and his name’s a killer since it sounds totally different to how it’s pronounced, but his looks aren’t that bad._

I sigh and look over the list again, then stick it in my folder as I walk into the classroom, veugly noting that Thorne walked away while I was reading the List, probably to either  
a)Find a new girlfriend.  
b)Hang out with his current girlfriend, whoever that is.  
c)Talk to one of his “friends” (I have never seen one of these supposed friends).  
d)Go to his locker to either  
e)Put something up.  
f)Get his stuff for class.  
g)Annoy Sybil Mira, who’s locker is right next to his, whom he claims is “hot”.  
Do his homework before the bell rings, because apparently he gets a better grade if he’s late for class but does his homework than if he doesn’t do his homework but is on time. I still have to point out that he doesn’t actually do his homework, he get Dmitri to do it, since they’re friends. Kind of.  
h)Annoy someone else.  
Those are the only options. He did not go to class, as he doesn’t have his   
a)Homework,  
b)Textbooks,  
c)Folder,  
d)Notebook,  
e)Binder.  
He always goes to class with these things. He’s not that bad of a student. In fact, contrary to public opinion, he does get an A average, not a C or D. Mostly because Dmitri and I help him, along with  
a)Whatever girlfriend he has  
b)One of his supposed friends  
c)A teacher  
d)His mother  
e)His beloved laptop computer.  
All of those. Every single one. Mostly a and e.   
Class starts, and I notice a few odd looks coming my way, probably because of the List. I’m not surprised. It happens every year. I just ignore it and keep doodling in my journal, careful to keep out any  
a)Cinder+Kai things  
b)Cinder+anyone else things  
c)Anyone+anyone things  
d)Life problems.  
People tend to look in your journal when you aren’t looking. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know.  
Suddenly, the door opens and Pearl, who is far too smart for her own good and therefore is in the Bio 2 class instead of Bio 1 like she should be, walks in, eyes puffy and red. I glance at the seat next to me, where she’s plopping down, glaring at anyone and everyone, and know that this will be a very long class.


	2. Chapter 2- Thorne

What I thought when I saw the list:  
Freshman Girls:  
Prettiest: Peony Linh- she’s both pretty on the inside and the outside  
_Peony is nice. Good for her._  
Ugliest: Pearl Linh- her sister beats her in looks by a mile and a million  
_OH YES IN YOUR FACE PEARL._  
Freshman Boys:  
Handsomest: Liam Kinney- cold, unfeeling, and… unbelievably handsome  
_Seriously? Liam is, I guess, kind of handsome, but List-deserving handsome? I think not._  
Ugliest: Aimery Park- even more cold and unfeeling, and no looks to show for it  
_True. Very, very true._  
Sophomore Girls:  
Prettiest: Crescent Moon Darnel- petite, yet pretty all the same. The small thing works with her  
_Yeah, it does… and so does everything else… shut up, brain. Don’t make a fool of yourself over the tiny cute girls._  
Ugliest: Cinder Blackburn- what is with those metal limbs? I want to rip them off half the time  
_OH NO YOU DON’T I WILL- calm. Down. Brain._  
Sophomore Boys:  
Handsomest: Rikan (UNKNOWN LAST NAME)- his older brother’s more handsome, but still  
_Uh… I guess?_  
Ugliest: Torin Konn- even his name’s terrible  
_Torin isn’t all that bad, come on. His name is the worst, though._  
Junior Girls:  
Prettiest: Winter Hayle-Blackburn- this girl is the definition of grace and beauty, even with her scars  
_Have I dated her yet?_  
Ugliest: Levana Blackburn- no amount of makeup can cover up that, sweetheart  
_Yeaaahhh, her scars are pretty bad. I mean, it’s bad that she got burned like that, but she’s terrible looking. Not to mention she’s the worst sister ever to Cinder and Peony._  
Junior Boys:  
Handsomest: Kai (UNKNOWN LAST NAME)- so. Cute  
_I wonder if he knows Cinder likes him?_  
Ugliest: Dmitri Erland- smart, but so, so ugly  
_Really, really smart, and not that ugly. Besides, he helps me with my homework._  
Senior Girls:  
Prettiest: Emilie Montfort- long golden locks, huge brown eyes, beautiful skin… she’s got it all  
_She does, doesn’t she? I wonder if she’s going to dump me or if I’m going to dump her._  
Ugliest: Scarlet Benoit- freckles? No. Red hair? No. Everything is just wrong  
_She’s not that bad. Hey, I guess her boyfriend didn’t make the List. Too bad. He’s kinda hot. If I were into guys, I would probably go for him._  
Senior Boys:  
Handsomest: Carswell Thorne- not a surprise, but he’s just so charming, too  
_YEAH, It’s ME! I am charming, aren’t I?_  
Ugliest: Jacin Clay- long blonde hair? On a boy? Please, just go away  
_Hey, I’m glad he isn’t in the way of my title, but he isn’t ugly or anything. Not like Aimery._

Now, I bump fists with every guy who holds out theirs on my way to Pre-Calc, ten minutes late. Of course, that limits the amount of guys in the hallways, but I still get, either, like  
a) Five  
b) Ten  
c) Three.  
It’s not like I count or anything. I’m not that big of a conceited jerk. In fact, I think I’m amazing. Cinder probably mainly disagrees, because I’m  
a) Annoying to her  
b) Annoying to her  
c) Annoying to her.  
But other people agree that I’m amazing. Sybil surely does, even though she pretends to hate me. Trust me when I say that. I can tell when someone’s acting and when they aren’t, and Sybil is definitely acting when she pretends to hate me. I’m sure of it.  
Anyways, I walk to Pre-Calc, hoping that Mr. Linh (who just so happens to be Cinder’s Dad.) doesn’t make me go get a late slip. Then I have to walk all the way back to the office, which is over by the Junior’s English. I do not want to walk all the way over there.  
“The Captain has arrived!” I say upon entering the classroom, throwing open the door with a flourish. “Captain” is my nickname since I was ten. I don’t even remember what started it.  
A few people look on, unamused, while others try to suppress their grins (Mr. Linh being one of them), but the majority of the class applauds, huge grins on their faces, laughing.  
“Mr. Thorne,” Mr. Linh says, his smile dissipating, “Please take your seat and do not interrupt the class. We were just starting the lesson and taking attendance.” his frown deepens. Uh-oh, I think. “I will mark you as late, but will not make you get a late slip. I am only letting it slide because of your recent… accomplishments.”  
Even the teachers respect the List. It’s a rule here, everyone has to respect the List, even the principal does. Even  
a) Rebel students  
b) The strictest of teachers  
c) The rest of the staff  
d) Smart Alecs who don’t see the point  
e) Kids who just moved here  
Respect it. It’s a rule. And by respecting the List, they respect those who are on it. At least, on the good side of it. So, really, me. And, technically,  
a) Peony  
b) Liam  
c) Cress  
d) Rikan  
e) Winter  
f) And Emilie.  
But mostly me. Everyone knows that the Freshman and the Seniors are the only people you really, really respect on the List, because the Seniors are the Kings and Queens of the school, and whoever makes the List in Freshman year is almost guaranteed to make it the rest of the year. It’s the way it works. I don’t know who writes it, but that’s the way it’s always been, since the List started way back in 2000. At least, according to the youngest (and newest) teacher here, Ms. Wellford, who went here in high school, it started when she was in her Junior year. She, unsurprisingly, made “Prettiest” for the rest of the year. She might be a teacher, but she’s a hot teacher.  
I just realized how  
a) Creepy  
b) Disgusting  
c) Stalker-ish  
d) Pathetic  
e) Perverted  
I sound. I did not mean to sound like any of those things. Really. I’m not that bad. Contrary to what Cinder and probably one fourth of the rest of the student community here thinks. I don’t know what I did to make them think that, though.  
I sigh and look up as Mr. Linh calls on me. “Mr. Thorne,” he says. “Is the function f(x)=5x.x5x5+9 one-to-one?” (Yeah so I mean to say 5x to the third power, or 5x cubed, but I don’t know how to make that symbol, so I just did this. This is the author of this story in case you were confused.)  
Fortunately, I am smart enough to know that without paying attention. “Yes, sir.”  
“Come up to the board and explain your thinking,” he says.  
This, I am not smart enough to do. “Actually, Mr. Linh,” I start, hoping that making the List will give me another favour. He just raises an eyebrow, cutting me off where I am. That single raised eyebrow basically means “Oh, no you don’t”. Clearly, I’m not getting any more favours today.  
“Well you see,” I say, rising out of my desk ever so slowly, eyes on the clock, hoping it’ll take five minutes for me to get to the board. Luckily, I’m  
a) At the back of the classroom,  
b) I have to get around several other desks in my way to get to the board,  
c) I have a way of talking for awhile,  
And Kai, who’s in all my classes, has a way of getting me out of these situations. Usually. He may be slightly annoyed that I got “Handsomest” again. We had a bet. He thought Ze’ev “Wolf” Kesley (Scarlet’s boyfriend) would get it.  
I start toward the board, very, very slowly. “You see, I’m not entirely sure I’d be the best person for this,” I say, maneuvering around the desks. There are four more in front of me before the board. I glance at the clock. Three more minutes before the bell. “I really think someone else would explain it better.”  
Mr. Linh’s eyebrow goes up even higher. He’s a master of the one-eyebrow raising thing. I can’t do that for the life of me. “Mr. Thorne,” he says, sounding slightly amused. “Are you trying to get out of doing the work I have asked you to do?”  
I fidget a little, slightly uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze. Not to mention the rest of the class. “No, sir,” I deny, even though we both know I am. “I am not.”  
“Really, Mr. Thorne.” he says it as slowly as I’m walking right now. My gaze flickers once again to the clock. One more minute.  
“See, Mr. Linh,” I say, rushing to the board and picking up a whiteboard marker, “I start by…” on cue, exactly as I timed it, the bell rings, and I cap and set down the marker. “Oh, well,” I say, shrugging. “I tried.”  
Mr. Linh fights a laugh. “Of course, Mr. Thorne.” he turns to the class. “Your homework is problems twenty-four to forty-one. Due tomorrow, no exceptions. Test next Thursday, and be ready for a pop quiz any time this week.” half the class is out of the room before he finishes.  
I got away with it. Again.  
The Captain of the school rules it, after all.


	3. Chapter 3- Peony

When I saw the List this morning, I screamed.  
Actually screamed.  
Sure, Cinder and Levana had warned me about it, but I wasn’t expecting to be on it. So when I saw “Prettiest: Peony Linh”, I just about died. I was not expecting that. At all. It’s just… me? Really? I wear my makeup and do my hair, but I’m not that pretty. It’s not like I’m as pretty as, say, Emilie Montfort was in her Freshman year (I have a hobby of looking at the old yearbooks. It’s very entertaining).   
I was really sad that Cinder got “Ugliest” for the second time, but she told me to expect it, that she always gets it. I was, if I’m completely honest, kind of happy when Levana got “Ugliest” for the Sophomore girls, but that’s really terrible of me, especially now that we’re step-sisters. I wonder how Cinder dealt with her for so many years.  
When I saw Thorne as “Handsomest” for the Seniors, I was really happy for him. He totally deserves it. As strange as this may sound, I’m glad he’s Cinder’s best friend, even though he’s a boy and half the people who see them together think they’re dating and wonder why someone who looks like him would ever date someone who looks like Cinder does.  
But to be honest, Thorne totally is  
a) Handsome  
b) Charming  
c) And kind  
d) And smart  
e) And cocky in a really, really good way.  
Anyway, I ran into Kai earlier, and totally started freaking out. He’s so  
a) Nice  
b) Handsome  
c) Cute  
d) Smart  
e) EVERYTHING ELSE EVER.  
Sorry if I’m overreacting, but it’s Kai. I’ve had a crush on him since I came here! Which, to be fair, wasn’t all that long ago, but still.   
Cinder pretends not to be affected by his charms, but she obviously is. It would be soooooooo cute to see them together, honestly. It would. I can just imagine it… my reaction would probably be somewhere around the lines of:  
a) Running around  
b) Screaming at the top of my lungs  
c) Telling everyone that Kai and Cinder are dating  
d) Fangirling immensely in a corner  
e) Screaming some more  
f) Dying.  
As you can see, I ship it.  
A lot.

Anyway, I’ve been debating whether I feel bad for Pearl or not. I mean, yeah, she doesn’t really deserve that. She’s not that ugly. Sure, she has some acne and that haircut was a terrible idea, but she isn’t really, really ugly or anything. Neither is Cinder. Or Scarlet. Or any of the other students who got “Ugliest”. I think whoever writes the List might be slightly biased.  
I wonder who writes the List. Everyone tells me not to wonder or investigate, that I’ll get nowhere, but I can’t help but wonder. I mean, this List just shows up on the 6th of December randomly saying the “Prettiest”, “Ugliest”, and “Handsomest” of each grade? It’s kind of sketchy.   
“Hey,” the sound of my best friend, Iko, wakes me out of my sort of trance.  
“Hey, Iko,” I reply, still slightly distracted.  
“Congrats on making the List!” Iko says, bouncing on her heels.  
I laugh. “Thanks. I don’t know what I did to really deserve it, but still.”   
“Exactly! Still! You made the List! My best friend! It’s monumental!”  
“Not really…”  
“What are you talking about? Of course it is.”  
“Well, I still think the List is a bad idea,” I gesture to Cinder, who’s walking to her English Lit. 3 class (I have her schedule memorized). She doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she’s just used to it, but everyone moves away from her a little, as if she has some disease. Like having metal limbs can infect. “See what it does?”  
Iko shrugs. “I feel bad for Cinder and all the others, too, but look at her. She’s used to it. Getting rid of the List wouldn’t change that.”  
I shrug and notice Pearl out of the corner of my eye, eyes swollen and red from crying. “Yeah, well, maybe getting rid of it would save other, newer kids to the school from having to deal with it.”  
“Whatever you decide to do, I’m in as well, you know.”  
I chuckle. “Yeah, Iko, I know.”  
“Good!” she says, flipping her blue braids over her shoulder. “Now let’s get to Band before we’re late.”  
I follow her to the class, but my mind isn’t in the hallway we’re in now. It’s back to where I saw Pearl, eyes red and swollen, people shunning her all the same, even though she did nothing to them but make the List as “Ugliest”.  
By the time I’ve taken out my flute and start playing, I know what I have to do.  
I’m going to find the person who writes the List, and bring an end to it.


	4. Chapter 4- Pearl

The world seems to have decided that I need to be taught a lesson. Or something like that. Because I, Pearl Linh, have just made the List. As “Ugliest”. Which basically means that my high school life after this will be  
a) Terrible  
b) Torture  
c) Full of bullies.  
I should know. After all, I have two step-sisters who’ve made the List as “Ugliest” for their whole time in high school. Cinder and Levana, both of them horrible. Cinder is the definition of ugly, she’s a cyborg, of all things, with a metal hand and leg. It’s disgusting. If I’m totally honest, she could be okay-looking if it weren’t for the cyborg parts. Those just totally ruin her kind of first-nations pretty look going on.

Levana is also extremely ugly. She got a bunch of terrible burns when she was younger, and now her whole body is practically as disgusting as Cinder is. Even her hair, dark and slightly wavy, which would be pretty, is always tangled and in a messy ponytail that just totally does not work.

To add on to Levana’s charm, she’s also extremely mean. Cinder’s sarcastic, but Levana’s plain mean. She would be one of the bullies if it weren’t for the fact that nobody actually cares what she thinks, because she bullies. A lot. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that she would make fun of me for making “Ugliest”, but Mom and Dad would kill her for that should I say even a single word.

To be totally honest, I’m not even that ugly. Really, I’m not. Sure, I have some acne, and I was a little late into puberty, but I’m not ugly. Not like Cinder or Levana or Scarlet. Not List-deserving ugly. List-deserving ugly, after all is really ugly. I mean really ugly. Really, really, really, ugly. Like, vomit-inducing ugly. Which I’m not. Really.

The worst part of this whole predicament is that Peony, my own twin sister, made “Prettiest”. My twin sister. My twin sister. We don’t even look that different! Sure, she takes better care of her acne, and came into puberty, like, half a year earlier, and takes better care of her hair and wears more makeup and stuff, but she’s not that pretty. I don’t think either of us are really deserving of  
a) Making the List  
b) All the attention.  
Really. That’s not just me being a jealous sister- which, you know, I am, who wouldn’t be, but still. I’m not that jealous.

I shut my locker, annoyed that my mirror didn’t give me the image that I want. I’m perfectly fine with the way I look, really, but I’ve been crying since morning. I was hoping that maybe it wouldn’t look like I had been crying for ten hours, but it did. Which means that everyone knows that the List does, in fact, bother me. It bothers Levana, but it doesn’t bother Cinder, or Scarlet. Unfortunately. It would be great if it bothered Cinder. Then I could make fun of her for it and it would actually hurt.

I sigh and start toward English before anyone can try to talk to me to either  
a) Make fun of me (the most likely option)  
b) Comfort me (unbelievably unlikely)  
c) Take me to a teacher/one of the staff members (oh, please no)  
d) Try to find one of my friends (which are nonexistent)  
Really. That would be terrible. Terrible. 

I see Peony out of the corner of my eye, looking concerned, and scoff. Concerned. Please. She just got Prettiest, for goodness’ sake. She isn’t concerned or even sad. Sure, I’m her twin, but it’s not like she cares or anything. She still hangs out with our monstrosity of a sister and has her freaky blue-haired friend. She’s still her. 

But at the same time, I think she might be a little sorry for me. At least a little. Really. The thought surprises me, but I don’t know why. I mean, it’s Peony. She’s the epitome of good. She’s  
a) Amazing  
b) Pretty  
c) Kind  
d) Caring  
e) Compassionate  
f) Empathetic  
g) Pretty (because, let’s be honest, it has to be mentioned more than once)  
h) Smart  
i) Cute  
j) Everything in between  
Seriously. Peony is, like, the best thing ever to walk this earth, and I’m, like… trash. Literal trash. Not that it makes any sense whatsoever, but to them I am. Trash, that is. And them is the entire world.

Why has my life come to this?

Really. Why?

What did I do to deserve this?

Sure, I’m not the nicest person in the world. Or the prettiest. Or the most empathetic. Or the smartest. Or the most caring. Or the most compassionate. But do I really deserve this torture? Does anyone? 

“Hey, ugly,” someone says as I walk through the halls.

_Does anyone?_

“Who did your hair today? It looks like trash. If my mom saw me looking like that, I’d be dead.”

_Does anyone?_

“Ew! Get a cure for that acne,” another says.

_Does anyone?_

“Ugh. The Ugly one is sitting next to me. She just made the List. For ugliest. It’s so disgusting. And pathetic. I mean, look at her. Acne, the clothes, the hair, the face, the nails…” once I sit down.

_Does anyone?_

“Come on, girl, you gotta have some sort of cleavage. You’re in high school! Grow something!” says one boy walking into the classroom.

_Does anyone?_

“Could be pretty, if only she had some breasts.”

“Could be pretty, if she got rid of the acne.”

“Could be pretty, if she lost some weight.”

“Could be pretty, if she got a tan.”

“Could be pretty, if she didn’t have glasses.”

“Could be pretty, if she weren’t so pale.”

“Could be pretty, if she did her hair differently.”

“Could be pretty, if she got some better clothes.”

“Could be pretty, if she smiled for once.”

“Could be pretty, if she pierced her ears.”

“Could be pretty, if she wore some jewelry.”

“Could be pretty, if she wore some lipstick.”

“Could be pretty, if she put on some mascara.”

“Could be pretty, if only I had some spare foundation.”

“Could be pretty, if only she had longer eyelashes.”

“Could be pretty, if she had better legs.”

“Could be pretty, if she wore some eyeliner.”

“Could be pretty, if she just dabbed on some eyeshadow.”

“Could be pretty, if she..”

“If she…”

“If she…”

The judgments, the comments, the ways of saying that I’m just not enough, they come in like a tidal wave on the beach from anyone and everyone. If only I were this. If only I did that. If only I were born this way instead of that way. If only anything and everything because in this world, they tell you to be who you are.

They tell you it’s okay to not be pretty.

To just be smart.

To be who you are.

Only they don’t really mean it when they say that, do they?

Because as soon as you do, they come down like vultures and pick you apart, piece by piece, until they’ve made you something that you’re not or they’ve given you something you don’t want or they’ve killed you from the inside but made you alive from the outside. They pick you apart because being yourself like they tell you to isn’t enough. It isn’t pretty enough or good enough or strong enough.

You’re not enough.

And you never will be.


	5. Chapter 5- Winter

People here call me crazy. They call me  
a) Kooky.  
b) Insane  
c) Messed-up  
d) Bonkers  
e) Mental  
f) Nuts  
g) Wacky  
h) Cuckoo  
i) Beserk  
j) A psycho  
k) A lunatic  
l) Cracked  
m) Demented  
You name it, they’ve called me it. They’ve called me everything and anything and even what’s between the two.

But then they call me other things, too.   
a) Beautiful  
b) Pretty  
c) Charming  
d) Delightful  
e) Cute  
f) Adorable  
g) Alluring  
h) Delicate  
i) Dazzling  
j) Elegant  
k) Perfect  
l) Kind  
m) Nice  
n) Good  
o) Friendly  
So, to them, I’m all of these things. I’m kooky but beautiful. Insane yet pretty. Messed-up and charming. Bonkers yet delightful. Mental and cute. Nuts but adorable. Wacky and alluring. Cuckoo yet delicate.

It makes no sense.

They say I’m ‘kooky but pretty,’ or ‘mental yet charming,’ or ‘batty but in a way that makes her perfect’.

How can someone be all those things at once?

How can someone be every adjective in the universe at the same time? 

Sometimes I think they’re the crazy ones.

But then Jacin tells me that I’m being ridiculous, that it’s a good thing, that I shouldn’t mind. He’s right, of course, because it doesn’t matter. To most girls, to be called ‘beautiful’ is enough. To be ‘pretty’ is enough.

To me, being me is enough.

Nobody seems to understand.

I don’t blame them, of course. It’s society and those magazines and the internet that have made them this way. That have made them think that being pretty is the only thing that matters. That studying for a test takes second priority over getting rid of a pimple. That listening to a lecture at school isn’t as important as getting just the right gloss on their nails.

I understand.

All they want, after all, is to be pretty.

What they say, of course, no matter how little sense it makes, is true. I am crazy. I am pretty. At least, that’s what everyone tells me. I know I’m crazy, I wasn’t born quite right in the head, and I don’t quite care whether I’m pretty or not. But the boys’ lingering glances and the way the girls look jealous as I walk by make me realize that I suppose I am.

Jacin is the only one who doesn’t act like I’m particularly pretty or interesting anywhere but on the inside.

Well.

Him and the few others that don’t care and still never want to talk to me, like Cinder and Scarlet and Crescent Moon and Pearl and sometimes Peony and Iko and the others that I’m forgetting.

But Jacin is the one that really matters, because we speak to each other all the time and he never shows any sign of even having thought that I’m pretty.

In all honesty, if he did, it would be the only one I wouldn’t mind.

 _Wishful thinking,_ I chide myself. _Stop._

“Winter?” he surprises me.

“Jacin!”

“What… what were you doing?” his brow is creased and he’s looking around, trying to figure out what I was doing.

I sigh and hold up the piece of paper I was reading. “The List.”

He groans. “Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes,” I counter. “The people need something to believe in, Jacin. We must not look down on them for that.”

He leans against the locker next to mine as the end of the day bell rings. It’s a tradition of ours to completely ignore the List and its existence until the end of the day. We like to think it as inconsequential as the things others do after school. “Let me guess,” he says. “I got Ugliest again.”

“Yes,” I say. Neither of us care much. “I’ll read it to you. Peony got Prettiest for the Freshman. She deserves it, I think. Nice enough. Pearl got Ugliest. That, I do believe, is quite unnecessary. While not the most pleasant thing in the world to look at, she is not worth such humiliation.”

Jacin makes some nonsensical grunt that’s most likely an agreement.

“Liam Kinney got Handsomest.” I glance up at that. “Isn’t he one of your friends?”

“A world younger,” Jacin says, “but yes. We’re both on after-school fencing. And some other clubs.”

I chuckle. “You are, to date, one of the only people I know who actually attends after-school fencing.”

He gives me a look.

“Moving on, Aimery got Ugliest.”

“Good. I’ve never liked how he looks at you.”

I tut. “Crescent Moon got Prettiest for Sophomores.”

His eyes light up. “Good for her. She deserves it. Brilliant girl. Really smart, though I’m not sure how much she’ll like all the attention.”

“Probably not at all,” I say, “but at least it’s the good kind and not the bad.”

Now, this isn’t exactly true. While the attention one gets from getting Prettiest on the List is better than that of one getting Ugliest, it is not necessarily a good thing either way.

“Cinder-friend got Ugliest, unfortunately. Rikan got Handsomest. Torin Ugliest. I got Prettiest Junior. Levana got Ugliest.” my nose wrinkles at that. “I hate to be rude, but she deserves that.”

He grits his teeth. “She does.”

“Kaito got Handsomest. Dimitri got Ugliest, which yet again he does not deserve. Emilie got Prettiest Senior. Scarlet-friend got Ugliest Senior.” I frown. “I think she’s quite pretty.”

“Wasn’t when she was a Freshman, and you know this is just a repeat every year unless there’s something really, really different going on.”

“True.” I frown again. “You got Ugliest, Jacin, but do not worry. As long as you stay by me, you will be kept safe from the treacherous thing that is the public. Carswell Thorne got Handsomest.”

Jacin cracks a smile. “Unsurprisingly. The man is cocky.”

“That he is,” I reply. “But not a bad conversationalist.”

“Not entirely.”

As we walk out of the school building, I start to sing. Jacin loves it when I do that, no matter what he says, but to others it’s another of my ‘kooky’ qualities.

_“The parakeets sing, ta-weet-a-weet-a-weet,  
And the stars twinkle all through the night,  
And the monkeys frolic a-eet-eet-eet,  
While the rockets fly on by…  
And the Earth is full tonight,  
And the wolves all howl, aa-oooooooooh,  
The days are passing by again,  
And it’s all coming to an end._

_“The parakeets sing ta-weet-a-weet-a-weet,  
And the stars twinkle all through the night,  
And the monkeys frolic a-eet-eet-eet,  
While the rockets fly on by…  
And the Earth is waning tonight, tonight,  
And the wolves all howl, aa-oooooooooh,  
The days are numbered,  
The nights all short,  
And time is flying by…  
It seems yesterday it all began,  
Now time is waning again._

_“The parakeets sing, ta-tweet, ta-tweet,  
And the stars twinkle all through the night,  
And the monkeys frolic a-eet-eet-eet,  
While the rockets drift on by…  
And the Earth is half gone tonight, tonight,  
But the wolves still howl, aa-oooooooooh,  
It’s leaving fast,  
There’s not much left,  
And we still have some time…_

_“The parakeets sing, ta-weet-a-weet,  
And the stars still shine so bright,  
And monkeys frolic a-eet-eet-eet,  
The rocket is drifting past…  
And the Earth is crescent tonight, tonight,  
And the wolves still howl aa-oooooooooh,  
It’s coming closer, the story’s end,  
As I sing this one last verse…_

_“The parakeets sing, ta-weet-a-weet-a-weet,  
And the stars twinkle all through the night,  
The monkeys frolic a-eet-eet-eet,  
While the rockets fly on by…  
And the Earth is gone tonight,  
The wolves have gone mute, aa-oooooooooh,  
The walls have stopped bleeding, my mind is now clear,  
The story’s found its end.”_

The song is an old one that my mother used to sing to me when I was younger, a lullaby. It helps when the walls are bleeding, and bleed they do.

They have been bleeding for years and no one else sees it.


End file.
